


Back to You

by HeavenlyDisaster



Category: Mystalt - Fandom, The Rook (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Drama, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Hotel Rooms, Multi, Other, Romance, Smut, THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED, Train Rides, Trauma, handwritten letters sent through THE MAIL, in no particular order
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:14:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23869603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavenlyDisaster/pseuds/HeavenlyDisaster
Summary: Myfanwy got on the ferry and met Bronwyn in Bruges.  She thought she could leave her old life behind, but the past has a long memory.
Relationships: Gestalt (The Rook) / Myfanwy Thomas
Comments: 5
Kudos: 44





	Back to You

**Author's Note:**

> Found this fic I apparently started writing a few months ago (October) and it had seven thousand words and I had forgotten all about it. I read what I had written and was suddenly hit with enough inspiration that I managed to finish it with very nearly double the word count. What you are about to read was written in a quarantine induced, touch-starved frenzy of cliches and convoluted metaphors.  
> ENJOY!

They moved from Bruges to Cologne to Nuremberg and were currently in some town outside of Prague Myfanwy couldn’t pronounce. She was under the impression that Bronwyn could sense in some way that Myfanwy regretted leaving. Without letting her settle in any one place for more than a week or two, she wasn’t given enough time to really change her mind.

She did regret it. Every day she woke to new memories and always of Gestalt or Ingrid or even Linda. She never once had a memory of her sister or her parents. The guilt that put on her kept her from sharing the news with Bronwyn.

The idea had been to get away from everyone trying to force the meek and mild Myfanwy down her throat. The one that always sat behind a desk. The one that needed sheltering from everything and everyone. She was a new person. She just needed to figure out how new. She thought going away with Bronwyn was the right idea, but it turned into more of the same.

Bronwyn went out a lot. Every city they stopped in, they would meet someone who had a spare room or some cabin out in the woods somewhere and Bronwyn would stick Myfanwy there before leaving for hours. Whenever she came  back she would always start telling Myfanwy stories from their shared childhood. It was clear she wanted her to remember them herself. Myfanwy never did.

It was interesting the number of countries she’d now been to and she’d never really seen a single one. Bronwyn kept her under lock and key. She felt like a prisoner. It was just one more reason she wanted to go home. Back to what was familiar. Back to the people and places that meant something to her. It was shame and guilt that kept her there. She should  _ want _ to be with her sister. Her family. But really, all she wanted was Gestalt and Ingrid and Conrad and Linda.

Myfanwy stayed locked up in the hovel outside Prague for three days. On the fourth, she made a decision. She was going to go outside. She was going to explore and do exactly what she had left the Checquy to do. She was going to figure out who she was.

She waited until Bronwyn and her Czech friend left for the day. They kept the door locked, but not the window. Myfanwy slipped outside and hurried into the trees behind the house. She walked for what seemed an eternity before she finally reached a road. She didn’t know the way to town so she had to guess. A correct guess as within twenty more minutes of walking, she found herself at the edge of a city.

There were people roaming about completely care free. Children darted through the crowds of people and Myfanwy felt alive. Happy. The city was loud and boisterous and exactly the opposite of all the places Bronwyn had been keeping her. She kept walking until she found a park. Even that bustled with life.

A frisbee sailed through the air and landed at her feet. Myfanwy stared down at it for a second or two before stooping to pick it up. She looked over at a pair of boys and a girl waiting for her to throw it back. Something about them made Myfanwy’s mouth run dry. She flung the disc to them and went to sit on a bench nearby.

Gestalt. That was what it was. The trio were brunette, not blonde, but something in their eyes made her think of them. She put her head in her hands and took a few even breaths. She missed them.

“ _ Do you know how to tell the poisonous mushrooms from the ones that are safe to eat?” _

_ “I’m not a big fan of mushrooms. You know they grow out of dead things.” She shuddered. _

_ “This is a matter of survival. People will eat their own shit to survive.” Gestalt countered. One of the twins. Her gut said Teddy. _

_ “I’ll take death first.” _

_ Gestalt rolled their eyes. “Fine. Berries, then. You know poisonous berries?” _

_ “I know... mulberries, elderberries, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, and cherries.” _

_ “You aren’t bound to come across half of those just growing in the wild.” _

_ “Whatever. We’re going to work for the  _ _ Checquy _ _ anyway. What does it matter what sort of berries grow in the wild?” Myfanwy crossed her arms and laid back on the carpeted floor between two monstrous bookshelves. They were in Glengrove’s library. _

_ “We have to complete tracking and survival with top marks to get into the Checquy.” _

_ Myfanwy stretched her arms out above her head. “Maybe, but I’ll have you  _ _ there _ _ anyway.” _

_ “All the more reason for you to pay attention.” _

_ She sat up suddenly. “What time is it?” _

_ Gestalt frowned at her. “Almost three. Why?” _

_ Myfanwy jumped to her feet and ran her fingers through her hair. “I have an appointment with Andrew.” She looked down at Gestalt who hadn’t moved. “How do I look?” _

_ Gestalt scowled. They slammed the book on their lap shut and got to their feet. “Like a slut,” they snapped, stomping away. _

_ Myfanwy wrinkled her nose up at them. They were angry she wasn’t giving their survival tutoring its due attention. She knew they didn’t mean what they said. Their final survival test was six months away. Gestalt  _ _ were _ _ perfectionists. She knew they’d have started her tutoring six years ago if she’d been there. _

_ Myfanwy scurried into the nearest lavatory to check her face before making her way to her appointment. _

Every new memory she came upon stirred some ache in her. It had started small. The first memory she’d recovered brought it on. Every memory since had worsened it. Sometimes she’d forget how to breathe in all her grief. She had to sit with her head between her knees and remember that she chose this.

She wandered a while longer through the streets of Prague. Everything reminded her of something. Old memories and new ones. She came upon a river and was reminded of one of her last conversations with Gestalt. How much she’d hurt them when she could’ve just told them the truth instead. Not that they would’ve believed her. Conrad barely believed her when she’d first told him.

She had no paper money, but she did still have her old credit cards. She stopped in a shop and bought a box of envelopes, a sheaf of paper, a pen, and a stamp. She ordered a coffee at a café and sat down to write. It was harder to put all her thoughts on paper, but she knew she wanted to ease some of Gestalt’s pain. No doubt innumerable to her own.

She started her letters the way all of her letters began. The ones to herself and the ones to anyone else.

_ Dear You, _

_ I walked by a river today and was reminded of the walk we took a few weeks back. I remember what you said about thinking that the old me only slept with you to get you out of the way. I want you to know it wasn’t true. She loved you more deeply than either of us could ever really know. Even if she didn’t always show it. _

_ I had another memory today. We were in a library and you were trying to teach me the difference between poisonous plants and edible plants. I wasn’t paying attention and was more worried about the appointment I had with Bristol. When I asked you how I looked you replied with something cruel. The past Myfanwy thought you were angry at her for not paying attention to your tutoring, but I know the truth. _

_ I’m sorry for the pain you must have endured. And I’m sorry for any pain I may be causing you now. I wish this were easier. _

_ With Love, _

_ Myfanwy _

She folded the page neatly and tucked it into one of her envelopes. She did not give a return address. It wouldn’t do any good in the first place. By the time they got the letter, Bronwyn would have them in another country.

It felt good to write the letter regardless. As long as she kept talking to them, some of her pain was lessened. Even if they couldn’t talk back. Not that they’d likely have anything nice to say to her. Maybe they didn’t even care that she was gone. After all, their Myfanwy had died weeks ago. They didn’t know the new one and Myfanwy was positive they hated her.

She made it back to the house before her sister or the man they were staying with. She climbed back in through the window and quickly hid her purchases in her backpack. It was two hours before Bronwyn came back through the door. She smiled at Myfanwy like the mouse that had gotten the cheese and held out a pizza.

“Dinner?”

“I made sure she got one with everything,” their host explained.

Myfanwy pulled out a piece and immediately began picking off toppings. She wasn’t even certain why she was doing it, but she knew she didn’t like mushrooms or olives. Once the slice was cleared to her preference, she took a bite. Bronwyn frowned at her.

“Myf, you love green olives.”

Myfanwy looked down at the ingredients on her plate. She hated green olives. Even submerged in alcohol she hated them. 

“If she doesn’t want to eat them, she doesn’t have to eat them.”

Bronwyn scowled at the man. “She doesn’t know what she wants, Moe.”

“Even babies know what they don’t like to eat. Don’t force her.”

Myfanwy set her pizza back down on her plate and stood. “I think I’ll just go to bed. I’m not very hungry.”

“No,  Myf , you haven’t had a real meal in days. Sit back down. I’m sorry. Eat what you want or don’t want.” 

Myfanwy gave her sister a forced smile. “I’m really not hungry. Just a bit tired, I think. I’ll eat in the morning.”

Bronwyn moved them again two days later, obviously sensing the tension. They were supposed to be heading up to Warsaw. Bronwyn had a contact there that could get them on a plane. Bronwyn’s goal was distance.

They had several stops along the way to avoid CCTV cameras and border checkpoints. Myfanwy took every opportunity to write down her found memories and mailed them to Gestalt when she could slip away. Sometimes, she’d find herself sending multiple letters in a day.

Bronwyn’s friend in Warsaw had a nicer house than any of their previous ones. Myfanwy got a whole bedroom to herself. Convenient since Bronwyn said it would be at least a week before they could get the airline tickets and another few days after that before her other friend was working security.

Myfanwy went out every day after Bronwyn left. She’d explore the city and write Gestalt letters and eat food from street vendors. She knew if her sister ever found out what she was up to she’d throw a tantrum. The more Myfanwy learned about her sister, the more she understood why she had no memories of her. She never knew her. The Bronwyn the old Myfanwy knew was twelve years old. There was nothing of that little girl in the woman her sister had become. Nothing to remind Myfanwy of any shared stories.

Myfanwy was outside a museum by the river in Warsaw on the third day. She was sitting at a small table staring out at the river. Her pen was in her hand and a half-filled sheet of paper was in front of her. The memory she was attempting to tell them about was only half-baked. She’d seen it like looking through a veil.

Someone sat down across from her at the table. It wasn’t uncommon. She’d had loads of strangers approach her and sit down. A lot of them were tourists. Most American. Sometimes they’d remind her of Monica and Myfanwy would wonder what she was up to. How much trouble she’d gotten the woman in for helping her with Nazim. Whether she was back in America or not.

“You could just phone me, you know.”

Myfanwy’s head snapped over and suddenly she was face to face with Gestalt. Robert Gestalt, to be exact. Myfanwy glanced around for any sign of the other bodies. She didn’t see any, but that didn’t mean they weren’t there.

“What are you doing here?” Myfanwy brought her hands down into her lap. Bronwyn was going to kill her for sure.

Gestalt chewed at the inside of their lip for a second before grabbing the paper she’d been writing on. Myfanwy made to reach for it. 

“Don’t!”

Gestalt squinted at her. “You were going to send this to me anyway.”

Myfanwy pressed her lips together. “When it was  _ finished _ . Not now.”

Gestalt went back to reading it. They finished in less than a minute and handed the page back to her. Myfanwy snatched it away and shoved it into her backpack. Robert turned to look out at the river just as she had been.

“If you’re trying to be someone new, why do you keep trying to remember who you were?”

Myfanwy swallowed. “I’m not trying to remember those things. They just come up. Mostly with no warning.”

Gestalt nodded, still not looking at her. “If that’s the case, why bother telling me about them?”

Myfanwy hugged her backpack in her lap and stared at the table. “I don’t know.”

Gestalt took a deep breath in through their nose and looked around the terrace. “Where is your sister?”

“No idea.”

Gestalt looked back at her with a wary eye. “She’s smuggling you from  country to country, but just leaves you to roam the cities at will? The resistance is even more useless than we thought.”

Myfanwy glared at them. “She doesn’t know I left.”

“You left her?”

Myfanwy sighed. “I didn’t leave her leave her. I just... I don’t like being cooped up. She’d have a fit if she knew I was here.” Myfanwy stared at her hands. “If she knew  _ you _ were here.”

Gestalt leaned forward on their elbows. Myfanwy drew back, but kept her eyes on theirs. Alex and Teddy had blue eyes, but Eliza’s and Robert’s were green. It fascinated her constantly. It even fascinated her past self. She’d always thought they were beautiful. Always.

“ So, what’s the plan?” 

Myfanwy’s brows drew together. “Plan?”

“Do you have an end destination? Are you and your sister going to settle down somewhere or are you just going to hop from city to city for the rest of your life?”

Myfanwy bit her lip. “Depends.”

“On?”

“On whether or not you’re here to throw me in the back of a car and drive me back to the  Checquy to sit in another interrogation room. Or worse, throw me in one of those cells.”

Gestalt grimaced and sat back. Myfanwy watched as a play of emotions started on their face before it went completely blank. She wondered what sort of argument they were having with themselves.

“I’m not here to bring you back,” they said at last. 

“What?”

Robert’s green eyes found hers again. “Nobody at the  Checquy knows I’ve found you, yet. Not even Ingrid.”

“But....” Myfanwy stared down at her hands and tried to work through what they were saying. “If you aren’t here to drag me back, why are you here?”

Robert started to chew at his fingernails. “I was....” They shook their head. “You said before you wanted to....” 

Myfanwy wondered if her past self would’ve been able to decipher the half sentences they were struggling to form. She very much doubted it. In all regards, it made no sense. They were miles away from London sitting in a public terrace and they weren’t going to bring her in? The one thing they had been trained their whole lives to do?

“You used your credit card, stopped avoiding the cameras, and started writing me letters.” Gestalt sighed heavily and ran their fingers through their hair. “I suppose a part of me wanted to believe that meant you wanted me to be here.”

Myfanwy stared at them a while. She clutched her backpack tighter. “ So, if I wanted to get up right now and leave, you’d let me?” 

Robert covered his face with his hands. “Alright.”

Myfanwy stood up slowly keeping her eyes on Gestalt. They didn’t move and kept their face covered. She slid her arms through her backpack straps and took a step backwards. Then another. Gestalt still didn’t move. She turned and walked a few more steps before stopping and turning back. Gestalt was still sat at the table with their head in their hands.

Myfanwy went to the coffee kiosk and ordered a coffee and a double espresso. She somehow remembered that was one of the drinks Gestalt liked. She paid and carried the drinks back to the table. Gestalt was there still as a statue. Myfanwy set the double espresso in front of them before sliding her backpack back off and sitting down again.

Gestalt looked up again, bewildered. Myfanwy took a sip of her coffee and looked back to the river. It was later than she usually stayed. Gestalt picked up the drink she’d gotten them and removed the lid to inspect the contents. Myfanwy looked at them from the corner of her eye. They took a small sip and frowned to themselves before taking a larger sip.

“You think I poisoned it?” She asked, turning back to face them.

Gestalt shrugged. “Who knows what your sister taught you?”

Myfanwy cracked a smile. “But you were still going to drink it?”

Gestalt stared at her again. Her heart always beat just a little bit faster when they did. Even when she had no idea who they were. It was like her body recognized them even without her mind being in on it. 

“If I go back with you, what happens?” 

Gestalt’s eyebrows shot up. “You want to? You want to come back home?”

Myfanwy sighed. “Well, not if it means getting locked up in the Box. That’d be worse than being with Bron. At least I can sneak out and see the world this way.”

“I wouldn’t let them put you in the Box.” Gestalt slid their hand across the table and touched the back of her hand tentatively. It was electric. Always. Almost like static electricity, but more... enjoyable.

“If they did?” 

“I’d get you out.”

“If they put  _ you _ in the Box, too?”

Gestalt grinned at her. An oddly Alex thing to do with this body. “I’d get us all out.”

Myfanwy frowned. “Well, then what would we do? They wouldn’t let us stay at the Checquy.”

“We’d figure it out.” At some point, they had gone from barely touching to holding hands.

“I can’t just leave Bronwyn.” 

Gestalt looked down at their joined hands for a while. Myfanwy slowly worked her hand free of theirs and stood up again.

“I’ll come back here tomorrow. About nine.” 

Gestalt stared up at her. “But you won’t leave with me tonight.”

Myfanwy shook her head. “Not unless you force me to go.”

Gestalt’s eyes grew hard. “Never again.”

Myfanwy backed away again, keeping her eyes on Gestalt as long as she could. It was good to see them. Really good. She headed back to the safe house feeling lighter than she ever remembered. No. That was wrong. She’d felt similarly light before. Maybe not as much, but still. When Eliza’s lips were on hers. Right up until that nurse had come in.

She was cutting it close getting in that night. Bronwyn came in barely five minutes after she settled back into her room. Fortunately, she had a lock on this door. A first. Bronwyn still didn’t knock.

“I’ve brought chips!” Bronwyn cried, holding out a plate to her.

Myfanwy smiled back and took one. She had no idea how she was going to explain what she was planning to her sister. She wasn’t altogether certain if Bronwyn would panic and try to abduct her into the  life she had planned whether Myfanwy wanted it or not. If there was one thing she’d learned about her sister in the past weeks, it was that she was extreme.

“I have some good news.” Bronwyn sat down at the end of Myfanwy’s bed and set the plate of chips between them. “My contact has managed to get us two tickets to Melbourne. Flight leaves in two days. We’ll be off this miserable continent and well away from the reach of your prison guards.”

“I thought we’d be here a week.” Myfanwy’s stomach dropped. If she got on that plane, she’d never see Gestalt again.

Bronwyn tossed a chip into her mouth and chewed. “Sooner we leave is better. We’re lucky my contact managed to get those tickets for us at all.”

Myfanwy frowned at the plate of chips. “I don’t hate it here.”

“Can’t stay with Milena forever. We’ll get a nice place of our own. You’ll see.” Bronwyn stretched out at the end of Myfanwy’s bed and stared up at the ceiling. 

Myfanwy looked over at her backpack. She was so close to feeling happy again for the first time in weeks and Bronwyn wanted to snatch that all away from her again. She was angry. At the same time, she knew the anger was unwarranted. All she had to do was miss her fucking boat and everything would have been different.

“We’ve never been to Australia, you know. Mum and Dad had a trip planned, but we ended up in Mikonos instead.” Bronwyn grinned at her. “You remember how mad Dad got when he caught you flirting with that cabana boy?”

“No.” Myfanwy stood up and moved away to the window. She was having a hard time concealing her rage. 

“What about the beach. You remember the beach?”

“No.” Myfanwy’s jaw was tightly clenched.

“What about Mum? You remember how confused she got when she ordered the wrong thing at that restaurant and ended up with a plate of squid or octopus or something? Oh, it was hilarious!” 

Myfanwy spun on her heel. “No, Bronwyn. No, I don’t remember a family vacation to Greece or any other family vacations we may or may not have taken. I don’t remember my mother  _ or _ my father and only know what they look like because of pictures you showed me. I don’t remember our childhood home or a pet rabbit or any school activities. I don’t have any memories of any of it because  _ you stole them from me _ .” Myfanwy continued to glare at Bronwyn’s surprised face.

Slowly, her sister stood from her temporary bed and held her hands out palms up. “I already apologized for that. Nazim was only supposed to take your memories of the  Checquy . He was meant to leave the rest.”

Myfanwy scoffed. “Nazim is a  _ child _ . How dare you even think of putting that on him.”

“I just wanted my sister back.”

“And I wanted to keep my memories.  _ All _ of them.” Myfanwy curled her hands into her fists at her sides. “But it didn’t really matter what I wanted, did it?”

Bronwyn stared at her speechless for a moment. Myfanwy was seconds from jumping out her window and running for Gestalt. Wherever they may have been. 

“Maybe we’d both do with a good night’s sleep. We can talk in the morning when we’ve cooled our heads.” Bronwyn opened her bedroom door and looked back at her. Myfanwy rolled her eyes. She knew when she was being treated like a child even with no memory of a childhood. As if she didn’t have every right to be angry.

She lay in bed, but she didn’t sleep. She was planning. There was no way Bronwyn was just going to watch her leave. Bronwyn had to go and throw a wrench in her plans. Not for the first time if Myfanwy counted her initial plan to wipe her memories. Which Myfanwy  _ did _ .

She changed into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt topping it with trainers and her black jacket. The sun was barely coming up when Myfanwy slipped through her window and made a break for the river. It was barely six in the morning when she reached the river walk. The city was still sleeping for the most part. Slowly waking.

Myfanwy ordered a coffee and scone and sat at the same table she’d spoken with Gestalt the night before. She’d told them nine in case Bronwyn took longer to leave. She hadn’t anticipated an argument when she returned. Or leaving before the crack of dawn. She tore off pieces of her scone and threw them to the pigeons pecking around the terrace.

“You’re early.”

Myfanwy jumped and turned to see Robert. She noticed he was panting as if he’d sprinted there. That thought made her heart flip. She licked her lips and cleared her throat.

“Bronwyn wants to go to Melbourne.” Myfanwy fidgeted with her hands on her coffee cup. “Tomorrow.”

Gestalt sat down slowly across from her. “Do  _ you _ want to go to Melbourne?”

Myfanwy pressed her lips together. For some stupid reason she felt like crying. She kept her eyes on her coffee. It seemed the safest route. The least likely to end in tears. Stupid, embarrassing tears. She shook her head.

Robert brushed his fingers across the back of her hand. It was almost a seduction. Myfanwy swallowed and tried to keep her breathing even. There was no almost about it. It was a seduction. And Myfanwy wanted to be seduced.

“Do you want to come home?” Robert’s voice was a hoarse whisper. Myfanwy could almost imagine it was filled with desire.

Myfanwy took a deep breath. “I’m afraid.” 

“I told you I wouldn’t let them put you in the Box. I promise.” 

Myfanwy felt a small smile tip up the corners of her mouth just briefly. She shook her head. “I’m not afraid of that.”

Gestalt pulled their hand back and folded them in front of themselves. Myfanwy’s hand twitched for theirs, but she kept herself from moving further. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever been afraid as much as when I read your first letter.” They cleared their throat. “When your second letter came  in I thought I’d bring you in kicking and screaming if I had to.”

Myfanwy stared at them. “But you aren’t going to anymore?”

Robert was chewing the inside of his bottom lip again. “It was your fourth letter. The... you were talking about the view from your window. How it reminded you of the mountain they left us on for training even if you didn’t remember what the training exercise was or how long we were there.” Robert shoved the heels of his hands against his cheeks before tucking his fingers into his hair. “I want you to come back. I want you to be able to share whatever you remember with me face to face. But I already decided that you have to want to come back yourself.”

“You want me to come back?” Myfanwy didn’t believe it. They hated her. She knew they hated her. They couldn’t have made it any clearer if they’d spit actual venom at her.

“You’re my best friend.” It was said as simply as if he was saying it might rain. Like it was just a fact of the universe.

Myfanwy’s mouth fell open. She had long been under the impression that she didn’t have a single friend in the world. Certainly not a best friend. 

“Myfanwy!”

Her back stiffened. She didn’t have to look to know that  Bronwyn was behind  her.  Robert’s face had gone hard. Mean. Myfanwy shut her eyes for a second and took a breath before standing up from the table and turning to face her sister.

Myfanwy’s eyes widened at the sight of a gun in her sister’s hands. Small, but a little bullet kills just as much as a larger one. Myfanwy took a step in front of Gestalt with her hands up.

“Put that away, Bron.”

Bronwyn shook her head and tried to move around Myfanwy to get a clear shot of Gestalt. Myfanwy wouldn’t let her.

“Bronwyn.”

“Get away from him,  Myf . He’ll take you back. Lock you up and pump you full of drugs so you’ll stay.”

“I  _ want _ to go back, Bronwyn.” Myfanwy argued. She took a small step towards her sister. “I asked Gestalt to come here.”

Bronwyn looked Myfanwy in the eyes at last. “What?”

Myfanwy grimaced. “I... I don’t know you, Bronwyn. I’ve tried, but I don’t.”

The gun in Bronwyn’s hand trembled. She sucked in a breath between her teeth and nodded to Gestalt, concealed from her behind Myfanwy. “But you think you know them?”

Myfanwy shook her head. “I  _ know _ I know them. I remember them. I remember being with them in Glengrove. I know them.” She reached behind her blindly until she found Gestalt’s arm. She curled her fingers into the coat sleeve.

Bronwyn’s arm dropped down to her side. She stared at Myfanwy with complete defeat. “You remember  _ them _ ?”

"More and more every day."

Bronwyn brought her hands to her head. The gun clutched against her temple. "No. This isn't right. You were only supposed to remember  _ me _ ."

Myfanwy held her free hand out to her palm up, helplessly. "I don't." She glanced over her shoulder at Gestalt who was still sitting unmoved. “I asked them to come, Bronwyn. I don’t want to go to Melbourne. I want to go home.”

Gestalt moved behind her then, standing up. They twisted their arm and took her hand in theirs instead. Bronwyn shook her head.

“No... this is.... They’ve tricked you somehow. They’ve done something to you. We-we-we don’t have to go to Melbourne. We can go anywhere. Anywhere you want. As long as it’s far away from the Checquy.”

Bronwyn was crying and Myfanwy realized she was crying, too. She sniffled. “Bronwyn, just let me go home. I’m so tired. I just want to go home.”

“You don’t remember me?” She sounded hollow. Myfanwy wanted to hug her, but she was afraid to give her sister any advantage.

“I’m sorry, Bronwyn. I’ve really tried.”

Robert tugged on her hand. Myfanwy let them lead her away. She watched Bronwyn standing on the terrace until they turned a corner and her sister fell out of view. She used her hand to wipe away her tears and tried to find that feeling of relief she’d had the night before after she’d first seen Gestalt again.

A block and a half later, Robert nudged her into an alley and dropped her hand. They fished inside their coat pocket and pulled out a tissue for her. Myfanwy shoved it against her eyes feeling stupid for having been crying in the first place.

"Are you alright?" Gestalt asked softly.

She nodded noncommittedly.

“You said you wanted to go home. Were you just saying that to your sister so you could get away?” 

Myfanwy blinked at them and brushed her  wadded-up tissue at a tear trapped in her eyelashes. She shook her head. “I want to go home.”

"And... you're sure you want to leave your sister?"

Myfanwy sniffled hard and crumpled the  tear-filled tissue in her hand. She clenched her teeth and nodded more firmly. "I'm sure."

Robert gave her his soft, reassuring smile and took her hand again. "We'd better hurry then." He pulled her out of the alley and down the street.

“Where are we going?” 

Gestalt nodded to a train station a block away. “Back to London, hm?”

Myfanwy sniffled again and bobbed her head once. Gestalt stopped them short of the gate and turned her to face them. They opened their mouth as if to say something more, but thought better of it.

Gestalt frowned at her a minute more. When she didn’t change her earlier answer, they led her into the station and to the proper terminal. They knew their way around with an easy confidence. At no point did they stop to check the terminal or train time. Like they already knew it all.

“Where are Eliza, Alex, and Teddy anyway?” Myfanwy needed a change of topic. Talking about Gestalt helped.

“Back at the office. Grantchester only allowed one of my bodies to look for you after the first three days.” The train came in and Robert guided her into the car and to the nearest seat. He didn’t sit. Just hovered over her.

“Conrad gave me up for a lost cause, then?” She was trying to lighten the mood. It only made her feel more awkward.

“Not at all. Other matters came up that required immediate attention. Our leads with you had all dried up. We knew you’d left from the Dover Ferry Docks because you left your car there, but we couldn’t figure out which boat you took or where you went. Someone scrubbed the CCTV footage.”

“Other matters?”

Gestalt chewed at their lip and looked down at her.

“Something you can’t tell me?” Myfanwy guessed.

Robert looked around the carriage. “Later?”

It wasn’t much later, really. They were off the train after six stops and moving through a much larger station. Gestalt grabbed her hand as they worked a path through the crowd of people. It was still early, but the station was full. Gestalt stopped them at a kiosk. Myfanwy could only stare dumbfoundedly as he carried out a conversation with the attendant in what she had to assume was flawless Polish.

They grabbed the offered tickets with a schmoozing smile and led Myfanwy deeper into the station. They didn’t stop until they were tucked away in a private cabin on a train. Myfanwy let go of their hand so she could slip her backpack from her shoulders and stow it in the overhead.

“You speak Polish?” She asked as she flopped down into her seat.

Gestalt shrugged and pulled out their phone. “I  _ was _ born here.”

Myfanwy frowned out the window. “Oh.”

Gestalt looked up from their phone. “Which... you didn’t know. Obviously.”

Myfanwy leaned back in her seat and shut her eyes. She hadn’t slept a wink the night before. She was vaguely aware of the train pulling out of the station. The gentle rocking lulled her into a deeper sleep. 

“Myfanwy,” Robert whispered. They jostled her shoulder lightly. “Hey, we need to switch trains.”

Myfanwy yawned and blinked her eyes open. She stared at Gestalt for a moment as she worked to remember where she was and what was going on. They grabbed her bag from the overhead storage and led her out of the train and into a new station.

“Where’re we?” Myfanwy mumbled sleepily.

“Berlin.”

Myfanwy yawned again. “I was here a month ago with Bronwyn.”

Gestalt’s grip on her hand tightened for a moment before relaxing again. They scanned their tickets at the terminal and took up roost in a new private cabin. Myfanwy sat beside Gestalt this time. Somewhat unintentionally as they hadn’t let go of her hand and she was too sleepy to wrestle her hand away just then.

“Is this one taking us straight to London, then?” 

“This one is taking us to Cologne.”

Myfanwy sighed. “I’ve been there, too.”

“I expect you’ll have been a lot of places moving every other day the way you were.” They still had her hand in theirs.

“Mm. I sort of wanted to see  Paris, you know? Bronwyn said we’d go ‘when it was safe’ but I suppose I’ll never see it now.” She leaned her head against Gestalt’s shoulder and shut her eyes again. 

“Are you hungry?”

Myfanwy jerked awake and stared up at Gestalt then over at the man standing in the corridor in front of their cabin. Gestalt murmured something in German and the man nodded before leaving. Myfanwy stretched as much as the small room would allow and rolled her neck around her shoulders.

“We’ll stop in Cologne and get dinner before going on to Brussels.”

“Took us weeks to get to Warsaw and we’re almost back where I started in a few hours.” Myfanwy leaned forward to look down the corridor as inconspicuously as she could.

“What are you looking for?” 

Myfanwy flinched. She shook her head and pressed herself into the seat.

“Are you changing your mind?” Gestalt’s voice was a measure of calm.

Myfanwy shook her head quickly. Her face pinched up and she squirmed in her seat. “No... just....”

“Just what?”

“I need the loo.”

Gestalt visibly relaxed. Their shoulders dropped, their eyes dropped shut and a small smile pulled at their lips. They stood and nodded down the corridor a few doors. A sign clearly labelled the lavatories.

Gestalt stayed in the hallway to wait for her much to her embarrassment. She narrowed her eyes at them as she came back to sit in the cabin.

“Did you think I was going to take the opportunity to dive off the train?”

Gestalt rolled their eyes. “I was actually more concerned about vultures catching sight of you and carrying you off. Should I have been worrying about you jumping ship?”

Myfanwy pressed her lips together. “Oh. Right.”

It was another hour before they reached Cologne. Myfanwy was starving. She’d hardly eaten in the past twenty-four hours. She ordered some sort of burger meal from a fast food  restaurant inside the station. She scarfed it down hungrily in minutes. 

“You want another?” 

Myfanwy blushed and wiped her mouth with her napkin. “No. Thank you.”

“You sure? We have time.” Gestalt gestured back to the vendor. They weren’t half through with their own meal.

Myfanwy shook her head. “I’m fine now.” She tossed her rubbish and sat waiting for Gestalt to finish eating.

The last few hours to Brussels were relatively quiet. She yawned a few times, but her neck already hurt from sleeping on the trains earlier. Gestalt had taken over carrying her bag for her. A relief considering the kink in her neck. She let them take her hand and lead her out of the station.

It didn’t occur to her to wonder why they were leaving the train station until they were stood at the concierge desk in a nearby hotel. Myfanwy took a half step backwards toward the door, but something else pinned her there. Curiosity maybe. Desire even. She’d been perfectly happy holding their hand all day. She’d only fallen into thinking about that very hot infirmary room kiss a dozen or so times. Admittedly, she’d been thinking about the what-ifs of their  tete -a- tete in the archives equally often.

“Thank you.” Robert took the small envelope containing their room cards and reached out for her hand.

Myfanwy let him lead her into an elevator. They were on the third floor. She could hear her heart in her ears as she waited for Gestalt to open the door. She swallowed and worked on containing her nerves. She’d only had sex once to memory and it had soured as quickly as it had come on.

Myfanwy stared at the two single beds. Robert set her bag on one and sat on the other to take their shoes off. Myfanwy stood in the tiny foyer and tried to figure out what it was she was feeling. She’d been nervous just seconds earlier. Terrified. Still, if she didn’t know any  better, she’d think she was disappointed.

“Do you want to shower?” 

Myfanwy jumped and met their eyes for the briefest of moments. She was on the verge of saying no, but the thought of hot water on her neck sounded incredible. She grabbed her backpack off her bed and locked herself away in the bathroom. She made use of the hotel’s amenities. Not as good as the bath supplies at Malena’s house, but passable. 

The towels were rough. She dried her hair and dressed in the ratty clothes that had become her sleepwear. She couldn’t remember which of Bronwyn’s associates had supplied her with them. They weren’t much. An oversized t-shirt covered with moth holes and a pair of boy’s shorts that were on their last string. She hadn’t cared what she looked like in weeks past. Now she was embarrassed anew.

Gestalt glanced over at her when she emerged, but looked away just as quickly. Myfanwy tried not to feel too much like a kicked puppy. She tucked herself into her bed and rolled away to face the wall.

She was projecting. She wanted Gestalt.  _ Wanted _ them. But just because they’d crossed a continent to bring her back to the  Checquy didn’t mean they wanted her the same way. The handholding was nice, but it was likely just a way for them to ensure she stayed with them. They hadn’t said anything outwardly cruel to her, but there were times it seemed like they wanted to.

Gestalt disappeared into the bathroom. A few minutes later, the shower started. Myfanwy shut her eyes and tried to bury the feelings that had been dredged up against her will over the weeks. Feelings that should terrify her. But the only terrifying thing to her was the likelihood that Gestalt did not share those feelings for her.

Gestalt was still sleeping when Myfanwy woke up in the morning. She took the opportunity to change back into her jeans and her least dirty shirt. She grimaced. Least dirty was still filthy. She covered it with her jacket, but some of the dirt from traipsing through the wilderness with Bronwyn was still visible. She emptied her backpack to take proper stock.

Gestalt shifted on their bed and stared up at the ceiling for a moment. Myfanwy watched with strange fascination. Robert pushed the blanket away and moved to the edge of his bed. They sat for a second before pushing themselves up and turning toward the window before they must have realized they weren’t at home and turned back around.

Their eyes landed on her immediately. A faint blush crept along their neck. They ruffled their hair and looked down at their feet. “Morning.”

“Morning.”

Robert cleared his throat and made for the bathroom. He was only in a white tank top and a pair of equally white boxers. Boxers that showed off quite a bit of his ass... ets . Myfanwy shook herself and continued her stock taking. She’d only just packed everything back away in her bag when Robert returned fully clothed.

“Breakfast?”

Myfanwy grabbed her bag in one hand and Gestalt’s hand in the other. Even if it was just their way of keeping track of her, it still gave Myfanwy a thrill. Travelling with Gestalt was the polar opposite to travelling with Bronwyn. A lot of that was due to the subterfuge of Bronwyn’s travelling tactics. The smuggling.

With Gestalt, Myfanwy was comfortable. With Gestalt, she rode on trains in private rooms. With Gestalt, she ate pancakes for breakfast in a  well-lit restaurant. It was unkind to think such horrible thoughts about her sister, but Myfanwy had made a mistake leaving with her in the first place. She should have stayed. She should have tried to work things out between them.

They were back on a train by eight that morning. Myfanwy spent most of the short first trip fussing with her shirt. There was a smudge of dirt that she believed with enough water and willpower she could make disappear. She was surprised when Gestalt pulled her from the train and onto a new one. Most of the rides had been multiple hours.

“If you keep messing with that  shirt, you’re going to put a hole in it,” Gestalt chided.

Myfanwy stared down at the fabric and huffed. “Doesn’t help that I haven’t seen a laundromat in over a month.”

Gestalt looked down at her shirt again with a strange expression. Myfanwy figured this was another one of those instances where they wanted to say something cruel and were holding their tongue. Myfanwy flopped back in defeat and watched the scenery. The train pulled into the station an hour later.

Gestalt didn’t take her hand like usual. She had to hurry to keep up. Fortunately, they had a very distinctive hair color to follow. They boarded another train, but this one was a smaller, commuter train.

“Robert? Where are we?” She asked after they disembarked. She frowned at the street signs.

Gestalt tucked their hands into their pockets and beckoned for her to follow them. Myfanwy followed a bit more slowly. Warily. They were acting strange. Uncharacteristic.

They stopped at the end of one of the streets and waited for her to catch up. Myfanwy stared out at the city. Not London. Paris. Her lips parted in amazement. She could just make out the jut of the Eiffel Tower against the rest of the skyline.

“The first time you ever saw Paris, you were seven years old. Family vacation. You found the art to be ‘pretentious’ and the river cruise was ‘uninspired’, but you did like the Eiffel Tower. You made your dad take you up the stairs while your mom took your sister up by lift. He was wheezing by the time you got to the top, but you felt like you could fly.” 

Myfanwy stared at the tower. “How do you know that?”

Gestalt blew out a quiet laugh through their nose. “There was a time I was your best friend, too.”

“I’m sorry.”

Gestalt frowned and turned to face her. “For what? It isn’t like you erased your own memory.”

Myfanwy tipped her head in concession. “No, but I should’ve told you. I should’ve been honest right from the start. I should’ve trusted you and not Linda. I’m sorry.”

Gestalt pulled her into their arms and cradled her head against their chest. Myfanwy gathered fistfuls of their coat in both hands and held on right back. They stayed there for a few minutes before pulling away again. Gestalt nodded down towards the tower.

“Shall we?”

Myfanwy linked her arm through theirs and let them lead her through the city to the tower. There were bakeries on every corner advertising sweets and breads. Shops for everything from books to paintbrushes to musical instruments. She tried to satisfy her curiosity browsing through the shop windows as they passed.

She paused in front of a clothing shop. She knew they were close enough to her flat. Her old clothes were likely still there. Still, the draw of clean, fresh clothes was an almost undeniable pull. The shirt in the window display was cute. The material looked soft and the color was a light turquoise. The jeans that went with it were stylish and free of holes and tears.

Gestalt pulled at her hand and she dropped her eyes from the outfit and ordered herself to be satisfied with the prospect of climbing to the top of the Eiffel Tower again with Gestalt by her side. Instead, Robert opened the door to the shop and nodded at her to go inside.

"We don't have to...."

"The world doesn't fall down because we take a detour."

Myfanwy arched a brow at them and smiled coyly. "Doesn't it?"

Robert rolled their eyes and guided her into the store. He moved across the shop to browse at a pair of  men's pants that were not his size. Myfanwy looked through the shirts on the first rack searching for the one in the window.

" Bienvenue , madame,  puis je  vous aider avec  quelque chose?" Myfanwy looked down at the petite saleswoman. She was young.

Gestalt was moving toward her. Myfanwy looked over at the outfit she was after.

"Je  m'interesse aux  vetements exposes," she replied, nodding at the clothing in question.

The saleswoman smiled and nodded before scurrying away presumably to find what Myfanwy had asked for. Robert crossed their arms over their chest and frowned at her.

"You speak French?"

Myfanwy shrugged. "I guess so." She went back to browsing for a moment before pausing. "Did I not before?"

Gestalt swallowed and pulled out a blouse to look at. "You did, I just.... You spoke German, too and you didn't remember that."

The saleswoman returned with the full outfit from the mannequin. She ushered Myfanwy into the dressing room to try it on. She hadn't realized just how stiff her clothes were until she'd put on a clean set. They were completely caked with every sort of filth on the earth. She was surprised she hadn't been immediately turned out of the shop.

Her hair was clean, thankfully. In the new outfit she looked civilized again. No more mud caked around the cuffs of her jeans. She kept her jacket, but dumped her old clothing into the wastebasket before approaching the counter to pay.

" Combien ca  coute ?" She asked, looking for Robert and her backpack.

"L'homme avait deja paye." The saleswoman nodded to Robert who was holding a small bag of his own.

Myfanwy nodded and thanked the woman before following Robert back out onto the streets. They took their time after that. Stopping here and there to look at things in the shops.  Occasionally buying something here or there. She bought a strawberry éclair at a bakery and finally felt secure in her decision to leave Bronwyn. She hadn't had anything sweet since well before she'd left on the ferry.

"Stairs or lift?" 

Myfanwy looked over at Gestalt. They were a few feet away. Not far enough that she couldn't hear them and they couldn't jump to protect her if need be, but too far to touch easily.

"Excuse me?"

Robert looked over at her with a small smile. They nodded for her to look up. She did and felt stupid for not realizing where they were. She'd been so immersed by simply spending time with them that she hadn't noticed when they'd finally reached their destination. The Eiffel Tour.

"Stairs," she said decidedly.

They might have done better to take the lift. The line up the stairs meant that they could only take a few steps at a time. Though they were closer now – practically on top of each other – Gestalt did not take her hand again. She considered taking theirs, but worried they'd become annoyed or angry and pop the perfect bubble of contentment that they were living in.

It took longer to climb the steps of the tower than it had to meander through the Parisian streets. The sun was already setting by the time they reached the top. The observation floor was just as crowded as the stairwell. She could see the sun set over the horizon and the lights of Paris flicker on before she'd reached the railing.

" _ It'll be midnight before your mother gets up here with your sister, Muffin." _

_ She leaned forward, pressing her face between the rails and looking down at the city. Boats scooted along the river lazily. From the vantage point, the water looked almost passably clean. The sky was mirrored on its surface. _

_ "Why's it taking them so long? You took a million breaks on the way up the stairs." _

_ Her father's big hand covered her head as he ruffled her hair. "Line for the lift was more than twice as long as the line for the stairs." _

_ Myfanwy turned her head and saw a man and woman kissing passionately. She frowned at them and turned her head the other direction. Another man was on his knee in front of a crying woman. Her hands were steepled in front of her face. She nodded and the man stood to kiss her. _

_ "What's everyone kissing for?" Myfanwy grumbled. _

_ Her father laughed his low belly laugh. "City of love, Muffin." He scooped her up in his arms and pressed a kiss to her chubby cheek. _

_ Myfanwy wiped her cheek, but couldn't stop the giggle that erupted from her lips. She turned and flung her arms around her father's neck. _

_ "I want up!" Myfanwy turned to look down at her sister. Bronwyn's chubby arms were held up demandingly. _

_ Their father sighed heavily and sat Myfanwy down to pick up Bronwyn instead. He pressed a quick kiss to her mother's lips before kissing Bronwyn's temple. Myfanwy felt disappointment and annoyance flip in her stomach. She went back to pressing her face between the cool metal bars of the railing and looking down at the city. _

"Myfanwy?" 

She looked over at Gestalt. Concern was etched deeply into their face. "Hm?"

"You're crying."

Myfanwy reached up and touched her cheek, surprised to find tears there. Robert pulled out another tissue and held it out to her. She caught herself staring into those fascinatingly green eyes. The same green as Eliza's. She remembered the way those eyes had looked at her. Lust filled.

When she didn't take the tissue, Gestalt shifted closer and gently dabbed the tears from her cheeks. Myfanwy dropped her eyes from theirs. She admired the squareness of their jaw covered in dark scruff. A cool contrast to the brilliant whiteness of their hair. She wanted to touch them. To run her fingers through their hair. Hair she knew felt feather soft.

If only she'd told them the truth from the beginning. If she'd confessed that no, she didn't know who they were. And somehow at the same time she knew exactly who they were. It was a knowing that was settled in her bones. In her very soul. Maybe it all could have been different. Maybe she could run her fingers through their hair as she pleased. Play with Alex's bouncy curls. Get to really know Eliza's tantalizing tongue.

"Are you regretting your decision?"

Myfanwy blinked and took a half step back. "What –  er – which decision?" She laughed nervously. "I've only made about a thousand terrible decisions worth regretting to recent memory."

Gestalt frowned. Robert's eyes turned to the Parisian skyline. "Do you regret not going to Melbourne with your sister?"

Myfanwy looked up at the stars. Barely visible for all the light pollution. "I never had a single memory about my family when I was with her. I never remembered anything but you and the  Checquy . Until just now when I was standing here with you."

Her eyes found their way back to Gestalt. She wanted them. That much was now clear to her. How it could have ever been anything else was a mystery to her. But now she knew that she needed them, too.

"What did you remember?"

Myfanwy pressed her lips together. The actual memory was a bit too embarrassing to be recanting just then. Especially to Gestalt.

She started for the lifts. "Maybe later."

The crowd had largely dispersed. It was dinnertime. The lift down took only a few minutes. Gestalt led them back in the direction of the train station. Myfanwy rubbed her neck and grimaced at the prospect of sleeping on the train again. Fortunately, Gestalt wasn't quite so cruel as to make her suffer that again.

Myfanwy leaned against the counter as Gestalt informed the concierge that they'd just booked a room online. How convenient it must have been to have extra hands to do such things. Everything always seemed so effortless for Gestalt. Unfairly  effortless .

She was lost in her thoughts again, so she missed what the concierge had said that caused Gestalt's mood to change. Their mouth became a tight line as they led the way stiffly into the lift. Myfanwy stared at them curiously. She'd taken her backpack back, but pulled it off to give her shoulders a rest.

"Are you alright?"

Robert nodded once, but refused to look at her. She sighed and leaned back against the wall as the lift continued to rise. The lift stopped and the doors opened onto an unassuming floor.

Maybe something had happened back home. Or to one of the other bodies. Maybe they were hurt. Like when they'd gotten themselves shot for her. Myfanwy's stomach dropped. She looked for any sign that they were in pain as they walked down the hall to their room.

Gestalt stopped at the door and frowned at the card key in their hand. Myfanwy looked between them and the door. After a second, Gestalt took a deep breath and opened the door for them. Myfanwy stepped inside and dropped the backpack beside the dresser before darting into the bathroom to pee. She supposed she could shower while she was in there, but she'd left her spare clothes in her backpack.

Her hand touched the plush white bathrobe that hung beside its twin on hooks on the door. She did really want to shower after all the walking she'd done. And Gestalt hadn't even looked at her the night before when she'd come out fully clothed. She'd be fine to go out in the robe until they took their own shower.

The hot water felt good on her tensed muscles. She took her time and let the water pound out all the kinks before wrapping herself in her robe and heading out to Gestalt. She frowned at the empty room.

"Robert?"

No response.

Myfanwy looked down at her backpack near the dresser and decided to change while she had a moment alone. It wasn't until she set the back on the end of the bed that she noticed what was off. The night before they'd had two twin beds in their room. Now there was only one bed. A  queen-sized bed that took up most of the room.

"Robert?" Myfanwy called again. The room wasn't big enough for them to hide anywhere.

She dropped her backpack and wrenched the door open. She took all of one step from the door when he caught her around the waist and pushed her back into the room. She grabbed the sleeves of his jacket, holding him in place.

"Where the hell are you going like that?" They grumbled.

Myfanwy dropped her head against their shoulder in relief. "I thought you'd left."

Gestalt walked them back into the room and shut the door behind them. "Why would you think that?"

Myfanwy dropped her hold on them and took a step back. "You made it pretty damn clear before I left London that you wanted very little to do with me. Maybe the last four days reminded you how much you hated me and you decided to cut your losses." She tucked her wet hair behind her ears and picked her backpack up from where it had fallen off the bed.

"Hate you."

Myfanwy winced. It didn't feel great to hear someone she just realized she needed say they hated her. Even if she completely understood why. She pulled out her last pair of clean panties from her bag and mentally screamed at herself not to cry again.

Gestalt's arm swept across her chest. Their hand grabbed her wrist and pulled her around to face them again. They were too close. Impossibly close. The smell of their cologne dampened by their sweat filled her nose.

"Do you have any idea how much easier my life would be if I could hate you?"

Myfanwy stared up at them wordlessly. Breathlessly.

"I can hardly count the number of times I've wished I could do just that. Wished I could hate you with every ounce of me. I've ignored and buried and denied everything I feel for you since the first moment I saw you."

"Gestalt...."

"I thought it was obvious."

Myfanwy's brow wrinkled. "What was obvious?"

Robert's eyes softened a bit. Her eyes dropped to their mouth as they swallowed. Her heart thudded in her ears. Her belly twisted in knots. She wanted to feel their mouth on hers again. It really didn't matter which body it was. They all belonged to Gestalt.

" Myf ...." Their mouth fell onto hers like the final blow of a battle they had already lost.

Her hands dove into their hair, fastening herself to them as she opened her mouth to kiss them deeper. Gestalt's hands slid across her body over the robe. She wanted to scream that they weren't close enough. She needed to feel their skin on hers.

She broke from their kiss just long enough to loosen the buttons at Robert's throat. They got the hint. Robert's hand slid to the tie holding Myfanwy's robe together. In one smart tug, the robe fell open. Myfanwy was still working on the buttons to their shirt. 

Gestalt pushed the robe from her shoulders. A low groan burst from their lips. Myfanwy grinned and leaned forward to press a kiss at the hollow of their throat. She kissed her way down their chest as she worked the shirt from them. Once she'd undone the last button on their shirt, she started on their pants.

Robert's hand cupped her chin and pulled her back up their long body. She leaned forward and pressed her lips to theirs again. They kissed her back for a while before pulling back.

"Are you sure?" They panted.

Myfanwy grinned and shoved their pants down their legs. "Never more so."

Robert's arms wrapped around her back. They turned and dropped onto the mattress. Myfanwy giggled and moved to fasten their lips together again. She was surprised to hear a breathy chuckle gasping from Robert's mouth.

Robert moved Myfanwy up the bed as easily as if she were no more than a ragdoll. She was going to protest, but his mouth found her cleft and her tongue sapped away any coherent words from her throat. She dug her fingers into his hair as he licked and sucked and nipped at her most sensitive bits.

"Guh.... Gestalt!" She whimpered, throwing her head back into the mattress. Her eyes rolled back in her head as every muscle in her body tightened before going completely slack as euphoria washed over her.

Robert's face was over hers again. His fingers still between her legs. Petting her. Stroking her. Coaxing another orgasm from her as he kissed her sweetly before moving on to her tightened nipples.

"I want you," Myfanwy growled.

That wrought another breathy laugh from Robert's busy mouth. "You have me. All of me." They brought their head up to meet her eyes. "Always."

Myfanwy smiled up at them and pet her hand gently across their face before tucking it back into their hair. "I should have clarified. I want you inside me. Now. Immediately."

Instead of obeying her demands, Gestalt moved off of her and away. Myfanwy stared up at the ceiling arguing with the anger, annoyance, and dissatisfaction that swirled in her chest. She sat up at last and looked down the bed at Gestalt just as they moved back to the bed and crawled over her.

Their mouth was warm against hers and quickly banished all the negative feelings away. She felt them pressing inside her. She wrapped her legs securely around their waist, pressing them in deeper. She moaned loudly and pulled Gestalt's mouth back to hers.

Losing her memories had been the worst thing to ever happen to her. And the best. She hadn't ever had enough courage to tell Gestalt all that they meant to her. She would have easily gone her whole life watching Gestalt from afar. Always pining and yearning. Somehow, in doing something so terrible and selfish, her sister had actually done her a favor.

"I love you," Myfanwy gasped as they rang another climax from her.

They came shortly after, but made no comment to what she'd said in the throes. Gestalt kissed her cheek, her neck, and her shoulder before pulling themselves from her and standing from the bed. They tied off the used condom they must have grabbed after she'd demanded they fuck her and threw it in the wastebasket.

Myfanwy pulled herself up onto the pillows and stared across the hotel room at them. They poured two glasses of water and handed one to her before draining their own. Myfanwy took a sip and set it on the bedside table.

"Did you hear –"

"I did."

Myfanwy nodded and looked at her lap. She moved to pick up the panties she'd dropped minutes earlier. Had it only been a few minutes? It felt like hours.

Robert pulled out a pair of boxers and a white tank top to dress themselves. Myfanwy slipped her worn t-shirt back on, but forwent the shorts. Robert rubbed the back of their neck before sitting down on the bed beside Myfanwy being sure to leave plenty of space between them.

Their fingers were caught between their teeth again.

"We'll be back in London tomorrow, then?" Myfanwy asked in effort to distract herself.

Gestalt nodded.

Myfanwy took a deep breath before shoving her feet beneath the blankets and putting her back to Gestalt. She could hear them breathing, but they hadn't moved from where they were sitting up against the pillow. As if afraid to simply lie next to her.

Maybe an hour later, they were still seated there. They must have thought she'd fallen asleep. Their hand drifted across her cheek and over her shoulder.

"I love you as I always have," they whispered against her skin.

They shifted under the blankets and went to sleep.

Myfanwy woke first the next morning. She changed back into her outfit from the day before and slipped out the door. There was a bakery just next door and she was craving warm bread and hot coffee. She bought enough for two and took the contents back to the hotel.

Gestalt  barreled out of the lift just as she reached for the call button. They stopped short as they caught sight of her and grabbed her by both arms.

"ARE YOU INSANE?" They roared.

Myfanwy's eyes widened and she pulled back to look around at the few people in the lobby.

"Are you?" She moved around them and stepped into the lift. After a second, Gestalt joined her.

She handed them their cup. "I bought you an espresso, but maybe I should've gotten you something decaf."

Gestalt looked down at the cup in their hand and the paper sack that held their breakfast. She could see their relief. She'd had a similar panic attack the night before.

They ate their breakfast in an awkward silence. Myfanwy was trying to figure out whether she should bring up that she'd been awake when they'd finally replied to her love confession or if she should go on pretending it never happened. Gestalt seemed perfectly happy with the latter option.

The train home was just as quiet as breakfast. Myfanwy leaned her head back and closed her eyes, deciding sleep was better than continuing in the awkward air that had developed between them. She sighed and rested her head against the window, crossing her arms over her body.

She woke in the station with her head on Robert's shoulder. She blinked up at them, but didn't dare ask. Robert gathered their bags and led the way off the train and out of King's Cross. They didn't reach for her hand. They barely looked at her.

Robert took them up to the second level of a parking garage and walked toward a black jeep.  Checquy issued. The doors opened and Myfanwy's heart dropped. Eliza's blonde hair fell into view around the door as they came into view. Alex rounded the vehicle and tilted their head at her curiously.

"Alright?"

Myfanwy smiled at them. "Long time, no  see ."

Eliza frowned at her. "You've seen me almost exclusively for the past five days."

Myfanwy grimaced and rubbed her eyebrow. The awkwardness was not going to go away with more bodies around. Robert stowed the bags in the boot and got in the back seat. Alex opened the front passenger door for Myfanwy before climbing in behind her while Eliza started the car.

"Where are we off to?" She tried to keep her voice steady. As frantic and crazy as life on the road had been, being back in London was somehow even less certain.  Surely, she couldn't just go back to the  Checquy and pick up her life exactly where she'd left it. She couldn't remember most of that life in the first place.

"Are you hungry?" Eliza asked.

Myfanwy shook her head. She could eat, but she didn't want to put off whatever was coming next any longer than necessary. She looked out the window at the streets. She felt altogether calmed by their familiarity. She hated knowing nothing around her. Feeling so helplessly lost and alone in the world.

"I should talk to Farrier," she murmured half to herself.

Eliza's hands twisted on the steering wheel. Myfanwy frowned at the act.

"We'll wait until tomorrow. Conrad's actually stepped out for the day," Eliza said.

Myfanwy rolled her shoulders against the seat. She was beyond tired of sitting. "What's Conrad got to do with talking to Farrier? I can talk to Farrier tonight and deal with Grantchester tomorrow."

"You can't talk to Farrier."

Myfanwy scowled. "Why not?"

Gestalt was quiet.

"Gestalt!"

"Because she's gone," they snapped.

Myfanwy stilled. "Gone? Gone where?"

Gestalt wore three identical faces of annoyance and guilt. She'd bet money Teddy was wearing the same look on his face wherever he was.

"We don't know. That's what we've had to spend most of our time looking into. She was ambushed on her way home. A few days after you left, Conrad released her from holding. Vultures hit her car head on and pulled her from the collision. We have no idea where she is."

Myfanwy swallowed though her mouth was dry. "You're wasting your time with me when Farrier is in trouble?"

"You are not a waste of time. You're a  Checquy agent."

"Ex- Checquy agent. I haven't been an agent since my sister and Farrier colluded to steal my memories."

Eliza pulled into an unfamiliar parking garage and into a reserved parking space. They all got out at once. Robert pulled the bags from the boot while Alex opened her door for her. Myfanwy wasn't done fuming, but she didn't want to sit in a car any longer either.

Eliza led her to a lift and scanned a fob before hitting the floor number. They waited in the hall while Eliza unlocked the front door to a new flat. Myfanwy followed them all inside. The other option being stay in the hallway or wander aimlessly through London on her own.

"Where's my car?" 

Eliza looked over at her from a coat rack. "I'll take you to it tomorrow."

Myfanwy stepped further into the flat. She tucked her hands into her front jeans pockets and looked around. Familiarity niggled at the back of her head. Alex sat down at the counter and pulled out a tablet. Eliza steered her to the couch while Robert disappeared into a brilliantly white backroom.

"Is this a safe house or something?" Myfanwy picked up a  _ Good Health  _ magazine and frowned at it before setting it back on the perfect pile.

"What makes you think this is a safe house?" 

Myfanwy waved her hand around the room. "No personal photographs on the walls, décor taken straight from a store display, no signs that anybody has been living here in... ever." She shrugged. "And you didn't take me back to my apartment so I assume you took me somewhere to hide me."

"It's... this is my house," Alex admitted from the counter.

Myfanwy's cheeks heated. She wanted to slap herself. "Oh."

"I have personal photographs," Eliza announced. They stood up and disappeared into a closet for a moment. They reemerged holding two thick photo albums and grinning triumphantly.

"None worth framing?" Myfanwy asked as they came to sit beside her with the albums.

Eliza's smile faltered again. The awkward bubble was not going away any time soon. They flipped to the first page. Three grainy photographs of Gestalt as children were displayed on the page. They looked altogether miserable.

Myfanwy flipped to the next page. Another couple of photos of Gestalt. One was less grainy. Taken on a professional camera. Gestalt was perfectly groomed and wearing their typical stoic expressions. She tapped her finger on the photo.

"I know this one. The  Checquy doctor showed this to me to see the extent of my memory loss."

Gestalt frowned at that. "Why would he do that? You never knew me when I was this young."

Myfanwy shrugged and turned the page. The album was  chronologically ordered and very easy to follow. It wasn't until the second album that Myfanwy was surprised to see herself begin to populate the photographs. She was younger in the first crop. Happier.

She ran her finger over Gestalt's grinning faces. It was the first photograph she'd seen them actually smiling in. The smiles seemed genuine. They were laughing at something Myfanwy had said or done. Something she ached to remember.

"I wanted to hate you, you know," Eliza murmured.

Myfanwy took a deep breath and nodded in concession. "I certainly look like a bitch."

Gestalt let out a cluster of surprised laughs. She turned to find that Robert had returned. Newly showered and changed.

"It wouldn't have been a struggle to hate you if you'd been a bitch. But you liked everyone. And everyone wanted to please you."

"You had the best ideas," Alex said, taking over.

"Schemes," all three voices said together.

"Got us into all sorts of trouble," Eliza nudged her with her shoulder, smiling. "That should've made it easy to hate you, too. We never used to get punished for slacking or goofing off."

"And it was always worth it," Robert shut their eyes and leaned their head back against the door jam.

A few pages later, her smile disappeared. She was more serious. Her eyes more haunted. Myfanwy stared down at herself. She wondered what had changed in her that had made her lose that smile.

"Your parents died," Gestalt said, reading her mind. "You were never the same."

Myfanwy forced herself to smile. "And now I can't remember them at all."

Eliza slid their hand over hers. "That's not true. You remembered something in Paris. At the Eiffel Tower."

Myfanwy blushed and flipped through until she found the last few pages. Founder's Feast photographs. They were often of Gestalt wearing their very obvious fake 'happy-to-be-here' expressions. Myfanwy's dresses were always drab. Like something a grandmother would find fashionable. Or a great-grandmother.

The last page was the exact opposite. She was wearing a dress that was little more than lingerie. A dress she recognized. Blue silk. A dress that smelled distinctly of Gestalt's cologne and sex. Her expression was different in each picture. Wavering between apprehensive and determined. She wondered what must have been going through her mind that final night.

Eliza closed the album and passed it over the couch to Alex who put it back in the closet. Myfanwy felt her cheeks. She didn't remember the events of that night herself, but she'd heard tell of them enough to know her embarrassment was warranted.

"Every time I let you out of my sight, I'm afraid it's going to be for good. You'll change your mind and meet your sister in Melbourne. Or somewhere further away," Gestalt murmured in Eliza's sultry hum.

"I knew leaving was a mistake before I even stepped foot on that boat."

Eliza's fingers twisted between hers. "Then why go?"

Myfanwy raised her brows and shook her head. "I had to try."

"Try to leave? Why?"

Myfanwy curled her knee up to her chest and rested her chin on it. "I wanted to see if I could define myself rather than let my past define me."

Gestalt played with her fingers. All three bodies frowned. "I like your past."

"Could've fooled me," she muttered.

"I didn't mean any of the shit I said."

"Yes, you did."

Gestalt scowled. "Fine."

Myfanwy covered their hands with her free hand. "I always knew I'd end up coming back to you. It was only the time that was uncertain."

They sat in silence for a few moments. Less tense and awkward than that morning had been. Comfortable almost.

The door opened and Myfanwy turned to see who had come in. She should have guessed it'd be Teddy. She watched them take off their coat and disappear into the same backroom Robert had gone into earlier. A few minutes later, he came back out and sat on her other side in an armchair.

"Last night, what you said...." Teddy leaned toward her, elbows on his knees.

"That I thought you hated me?" She was deliberately playing dumb. No one was fooled.

Gestalt rolled their eyes and pressed forward unyielding. "Did you say it because of what  _ you  _ feel or did you say it because of some memories you've regained?"

Myfanwy's brows knit together. She hadn't really analyzed it like that. She'd felt it and she'd said it. Hearing their concerns, she couldn't help but think they were right to withhold their own confession.

"I'm not sure, actually." She swallowed and looked down at where Eliza's soft hands were clasped between her own. "It might be a bit of both if I'm honest. Out of everyone in the office, I think you and Ingrid are the only ones I trust. Maybe in the world."

"That's not the same. Trust and love. Those are different." Gestalt was clipping their sentences. They only did that when they were bracing themselves to be hurt. Something she'd learned by hurting them over and over again for a week.

Myfanwy looked into Eliza's eyes. So much like Robert's in color. The same person sat behind each set. "Why is it so hard for you to believe I love you?"

Something hard and cold flickered behind Eliza's eyes. "Because you left."

"I already told you I was coming back."

Gestalt squeezed their eyes shut and looked away. "No, not.... The night of the Founder's Feast."

Myfanwy squinted at them. They knew she didn't remember that.

"I woke up and you were gone."

"And you never came back."

"Not really."

"I fell asleep. I was reckless. And you were hurt because of it."

"How could you love anybody that would gamble with your life like that?"

Myfanwy shook her head slowly in utter disbelief. "Gestalt, I've never once blamed you for what happened to me. I was once suspicious of your involvement in what happened, but never after that first day."

"I should've driven you home," they argued as one.

"And I shouldn't have let Farrier and my sister steal my memories. I don't understand why I'm not allowed to love you. I came all the way back here because I do and  now you're angry with me again."

Eliza's hand cupped the back of her head. They pressed their forehead against hers. "No. No, Myfanwy, I'm not angry with you."

"The argument you started begs to differ."

Eliza shook their head against hers. "No, I'm just trying to understand."

"It's a simple concept and you're very smart." Myfanwy pulled herself free of Eliza and stood. "Maybe I should go back to my flat now."

She moved for the door. Teddy moved far faster than she'd given them credit for. They pinned her against the wall and cupped her face in their hands as gently as one might hold a baby bird.

Their mouth was fire on hers. "I am smart,  Myf . Smart enough to know I'm not good enough for someone like you."

Myfanwy broke free of Teddy's mouth. They changed direction and seared kissed along her neck. "You?" She panted. "The embodiment of the perfect person?"

Gestalt rolled their eyes even as they wrenched her blouse from her to kiss lower. "I'm four embodiments. Far from perfect."

Myfanwy's eyes rolled into her head and she let out a moan as Teddy's mouth closed around a nipple. "Tell that to my libido," she ground out. Her hands tangled in Teddy's hair, thick with product.

"Lust isn't love just like trust isn't love."

Myfanwy turned her grip in Teddy's hair and yanked their head away from her chest. "Just tell me you love me to my face instead of waiting until you think I'm asleep."

Gestalt's mouths fell open. She raised her brows expectantly. When they still said  nothing she rolled her eyes and pushed them away to button her blouse.

"You know, you're unbelievable, Gestalt. You'll cross a continent for me. You'll fuck me right in the heart of the City of Love, but you'll be damned if you even toe the line of a real relationship." 

"That's not true," the argued weakly.

Myfanwy whirled to face them. "In the middle of a case with one of the highest reported body counts in  Checquy history, you sought me out just to make sure I didn't take our Founder's Feast romp too seriously."

Gestalt dragged a hand down three of their faces. "That's not...."

Myfanwy waited for them to continue. "Not what?" She insisted.

She watched as four bodies moved to occupy the seating in the living room with their heads in their hands.

Myfanwy huffed and snatched her jacket off the hook before moving to the door again.

"Don't leave," they pleaded.

Myfanwy paused at the door. "You haven't given me any real reason to stay."

"I did something."

Myfanwy crossed her arms over her chest. "Alright?"

"I was angry with you for keeping your memory a secret from me. I was embarrassed for all the things I said and did while you had no idea what was happening."

Myfanwy nodded. She knew that much. She'd had very similar, but opposite reactions to the truth coming out. She should have told Gestalt from the beginning.

"I slept with Monica."

Myfanwy's eyes widened cartoonishly. Her mouth fell open for a moment as she worked through their confession. She finally shut her mouth and swallowed.

"I slept with Bristol."

You could have heard a pin drop in that flat. The still silence was suffocating. Its hungry hands closed around their throats.

"Not that I really knew what it was I was doing at the time...." Myfanwy tacked on. A lame excuse as far as excuses went.

"I was with Monica when you left," Gestalt said at last.

"I'd sooner drown in a bowl of soup than so much as lay eyes on Bristol again," Myfanwy growled.

Eliza rose from the couch again and met Myfanwy at the door. Their fingers threaded through hers. Myfanwy leaned forward and caught their lips with hers. They were just as soft and supple as she'd remembered. Too sweet for words.

"I love you," Myfanwy said as more of an argument than a sweet declaration. A dare.

The room echoed with the answer. "I love you."

Hours later they lay spent in a pile of limbs and bodies. Myfanwy's head rested on Alex's shoulder. Robert's head was on the pillow beside her. Teddy and Eliza each had one of her legs as pillows.

"What happens now?" She asked. The first hints of daylight were starting to trickle through the windows.

"Showers?"

Myfanwy laughed. "I mean with the Checquy."

Gestalt groaned. "We'll talk to Conrad later today. Get you reinstated."

Myfanwy craned her neck up to drop a peck on Alex's lips. "You make it sound like it's going to be easy."

Eliza dragged her fingers lightly up and down her leg from her ankle to her knee. Goosebumps were raised all over her body. 

"You came back to me. You came home again when I thought I'd never see you again. Next to that, everything else is cake."

Myfanwy smiled. "Alright. But the first thing we're doing when I'm reinstated is finding Farrier."

Gestalt nodded. "But the first thing we're doing before then is showering."

Myfanwy sighed and kissed Alex again. "Is your shower as big as your bed?"

Robert's beard scratched at her tender skin as he kissed her neck. If anyone were going to die of ecstasy, it was her in that moment.

"Bigger," they promised.

Myfanwy grinned. "What are we waiting for?"


End file.
